


chemical imbalances

by academmia



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Actor Roman, Adoption, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Teacher Logan, Toy Story - Freeform, author uses fiction to cope with their problems, logan and roman are GOOD DADS, overwhelmed highschooler patton, patton has some icky thoughts here, sick day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:35:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27870037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/academmia/pseuds/academmia
Summary: Lately, Patton's been feelings hazy. Smiles feel fake, He can't get out of bed, and his brain just can't seem to shut up. Everything feels impossible, but Patton is confident that his dads don't have a clue as to what is going on. As long as he isn't infecting them with sadness, everything will be okay.That plan goes great, until one day Logan walks in on him unable to get out of bed, and it turns out that his dads know more than he thought they did.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 17
Kudos: 86





	chemical imbalances

Patton was tired. 

He didn’t quite know why. The past few weeks had been a haze. He wakes up. He goes to school, he smiles. He goes home, he smiles, he listens to his dads bicker. He goes through hours of work, still smiling. 

Growing up people always applauded him for being a happy kid. They loved the way Patton could just take everything and smile. Give and give and give, all with a smile. Patton was the perfect child, he was happy and he was quiet. 

Being happy took so much energy. Patton decided frowns took less energy.

He groaned at the way the sunlight hit his skin. Too bright. Patton just wanted to sink into the mattress and never come back up. He had school today. Patton thinks he has a presentation in English class today. They had finished the Great Gatsby last week right? There was always a big project after finishing a book. The thought just made Patton want to sink into his bed even more. 

Something was wrong. Patton knows that, and to a small extent, he knows his dads have too. Healthy people don’t go through the day feeling like they’re floating or dance between feeling numb or icky. Normal people don’t take showers every six days and normal people mean it when they smile. 

But it was fine. It was just a funk. Fake it til you make it right? Patton would be okay eventually, he always was. 

Patton’s dad is an actor. As a kid, he would do impressions to make people laugh. He makes an entire career off it, putting on performances. Patton loves going to the theater, watching his dad control the energy of an entire theater. Fiction comes alive when Roman walks out to those bright lights and eager crowds. 

It didn’t take long for Patton to figure out that people preferred you when you were acting. That’s what it was-being what people was and the better you could do it, the more applause you would get. Despite what they said, Patton knew acting trumped authenticity. 

When people ask you how you are doing you don’t tell them about how getting out of bed is a struggle. You tell them you’re doing fine and ask them how they’re doing. When teachers tell you that it’s not okay for you to miss assignments, you don’t snap at them that you’re trying your best not to let everything fall apart, you tell them that you’re sorry, you’ll do better. When your dad comes home from work, tired from a full day of teaching and asks you if you need any homework help, you don’t tell him that everything is confusing at you can’t keep up. You tell him that you’re good, does he need anything?

He wasn’t remarkably smart like Logan. He wasn’t creative and talented like Roman. The one thing he was good at, Giving, he didn’t even have the energy for. And if Patton couldn’t give anymore, why would anyone want him around? If he couldn’t serve a purpose to someone, he didn’t deserve anything in return. 

He was so tired. He heard his alarm go off. He turned it off. His bedroom door felt a million miles away. Too far for Patton. His brain was icky this morning. His alarm was his favorite song, and normally that was nice. Today it was irritating. 

He wonders how long he can stay here. Logan drives him to school most mornings. Patton distantly remembers that Roman has an early day rehearsal Patton doesn’t want to bother him or make him late, but the guilt isn’t as strong as the haze. 

His dad knocks on his door, “Patton, are you ready? We have to go.” 

Patton should call back something. An apology at the very least. He shouldn't be wasting his dad’s time like this. But right now his blankets might as well be a million pounds. 

“Patton?” 

_ I’m here,  _ part of him screams,  _ help me _

“Patton if you do not respond, I’m entering.” 

Patton tries to say something. He’s too tired to think of what to say, so he just hugs his stuffed animal a bit tighter. The door clicks open. Patton wants to disappear so Logan won’t have anything to be disappointed in. 

Logan sighs and Patton hates himself a little bit more, “Patton, we have to leave in five minutes, there’s no possible way we can be in time now, you’re still in bed.” 

He’s disappointed, Logan. His dad, the guy who pays for his food and the art supplies Patton makes, the man who has supported him his entire life. He doesn’t ask much, all he asked was for Patton to do something as basic as being ready for school in the morning, and Patton was so pathetic that he couldn’t even do that. He was pathetic, he was weak and he was stupid and he didn’t deserve to be Logan’s son. 

Sometimes Patton thought he didn’t even deserve to be alive. He was taking up so much space right now. So much concern and attention that could be used for far better things and he didn’t have the energy to pay it back. He closed his eyes, childishly believing that if he couldn’t see his dad, Logan would go away. 

No such luck. 

He felt a warm hand on his shoulder. It was warm, Patton forgot what warm was. 

“I think it’s time for a sick day,” Logan said softly. 

“No!” Patton said, opening his eyes. 

Logan looked at him, concern shining in his brown eyes, “Patton I think a sick day is the wisest option right now.” 

“No,” Patton says, and he doesn’t know why he’s arguing, “I can go.” 

He can pretend one more day, can’t he? He doesn’t want something to be wrong with him today. He wants just a little longer to pretend like he’s the same kid everyone loves so much. (Patton has to know idea who that boy is. He hopes that if he smiles enough one day he’ll know.) 

Logan frowns, “Patton.” 

“I swear I can! I’m just being lazy, I’m sorry, I know I’ll be late but it’s better than nothing and-” 

“You aren’t going to school today Patton,” Logan says firmly, leaving no room for argument. 

Patton panics. 

This isn’t supposed to happen, his dads aren’t supposed to see anything, let alone think Patton’s nonsense is enough for him to stay home from school. He should have just done better, acted better, paid more attention during the school plays so he could keep his dads happy just a little bit longer. It was the least he could do, he didn’t contribute anything, he was a leach. His chest hurt. He was so tired. He was weak because he didn’t want to get up, and he was weak for not being able to convince Logan to take him to school. He was so….he was so fucked up. He hated cursing but there was no better word for it. Patton felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Starlight, look at me,” Logan coaxes, and Patton lifts his tired eyes to meet his dad’s. Logan cups his chin, supporting his weight. Patton wants to turn away from the eye contact, but he doesn’t have the energy to look away. Plus, he likes the feeling of Logan’s big hands on his skin. 

“It’s okay to take a mental health day,” Logan says, “Whatever’s going on in the intelligent brain of yours is just as important as your physical health. And honey, me and Roman have been noticing that something is wrong for a while now. I should have come to you first, and for that, I apologize” 

“Nothing, nothing’s, there’s isn’t anything wrong with me,” Patton whispers. 

“Breathe,” Logan says, and Patton takes a shaky breath, “Something is wrong. And that’s ok. What’s important right now is your needs. School can wait.” 

“But your job it’s important! And I’m just making you stay here, I’m just a burden and nothing’s even wrong!” 

Logan ignores Patton’s continued denial, “You’re correct, it is my job to work as a teacher. However, as your father, it is also my job and my pleasure to take care of you. You are the farthest thing from a burden Patton. You deserve love and care”

Patton shakes Logan’s hand unable to keep looking into his eyes. Logan’s eyes are full of love and concern, his full attention is on Patton. He doesn’t deserve it. Logan says he deserves this, but Patton had a lot of voices in his head these days. The bad ones are always easier to listen to than the good ones. He doesn’t know how to deserve this. He doesn’t even know how to get out of bed. 

He doesn’t say anything in reply to Logan, but his dad doesn’t seem to mind. He just keeps touching Patton, like he is someone worthy of love. As if Patton isn’t a disgusting waste of space that deserves to rot. He touches Patton like this is ok as if Patton doesn’t have a billion take and a billion tasks. 

He doesn’t know what time it is. He drifts in and out, letting his Dad’s warm hands tell his brain to shut up.

He feels so screwed up. He feels like he’s floating. Floating so high up that he could have a tea party on one of the clouds. 

He hopes that Logan will forget about this, be too disappointed in him, and show him mercy by not telling Roman. And the next morning he’ll have the energy to smile, and he can keep giving like normal. It’s unrealistic. It’s a nice thought. 

“What would you like to eat?” 

Patton looks up, “what?” 

“You haven’t had breakfast, and now it’s lunchtime. Roman just texted me to let me know that he’s on his way home, I’m sure he could pick up anything.”

Patton doesn’t want to eat. Food feels weird. 

“I’m not hungry.” 

“You have to at least attempt to eat something Patton,” 

Patton closes his eyes. He’s tired of trying. He’s tired of shoving ash down his throat. He’s tired of his dad seeing this. He lets out a soft whimper and feels Logan move to touch him again. 

A warm hand starts rubbing his back, “I’m here starlight. Can you tell me what’s bothering you?”

He doesn’t want to. He’s tired of this, he’s tired of talking, he’s tired of Logan making him acknowledge his icky feelings, and really, he would like to just hide in here and come out when he had a little more energy, thank you very much. But Patton doesn’t have that choice. 

“Please don’t tell Papa.”

“Why don’t you want Roman to know?” 

Roman was his hero. His papa was resultant, fighting off the bad guys in Patton’s dreams and the bullies on the playground. Roman was strong, waking up for early morning rehearsals and still dealing with Patton. Roman looked at Patton with a sparkle in his eyes, and all Patton wanted to do was keep it there. He wanted His Papa to be proud of him, not see him at his lowest. 

“He’s coming home from work…he shouldn’t have to deal with me. I’m annoying.”

Logan’s eyes get sad, and Patton wishes he could just shut up so his dad wouldn’t be sad. 

“Patton, you deserve to be taken care of. Me and Roman? We love you. We love you a little bit more on the bad days.” 

“Why?”

“Because we hate seeing you in pain starlight. And we want to see you taken care of. You’re our son, Patton, you’re incredible, you’re funny, you’re kind, you’re smart. You’re the best kid we could have ever asked for. We don’t want you for just your good moments, we want you for everything. Please let me care for you” 

Warmth is an unfamiliar feeling, but Patton can feel it tingling at the tips of his fingers. He wiggles them, to see if he can move them. He can. 

“Could I get a slice of pizza?”

Logan smiles at him, “Absolutely,” 

Patton tries not to shake as he watched his dad text Papa. He tries not to gag at the thought of one more person being sucked into his sadness. He tries not to choke at the idea of both his parents having to waste their day away doing this. But Logan said it was ok, and Logan’s smarter than Patton will ever be, so maybe he’s just wrong. Patton’s too tired to argue with his dad anyway. 

Logan sends the text and pockets his phone, “Do you think you could come out of your room for lunch?” 

Patton swallows and stairs at the door, “Far,” 

“I see,” Logan says. He doesn’t call Patton lazy, “What if we break it down into steps?” 

Patton looks at him warily, and Logan takes it as a cue to continue, “May I help you sit up?” 

Patton nods even though he likes the weight of his blanket on top of him. He wants to get up, he doesn’t want to be stuck here with his stupid thoughts but he doesn’t know how His dad gives him another soft smile and gently wraps an arm under Patton’s back. 

“Ready?” 

“Yeah,” 

And Suddenly, Patton’s world is a little bit bigger. He’s sitting up. He didn’t know he could do that. Instead of just his ceiling, now he could see his bookshelf. It was colorful. His dad’s arm was still wrapped around his back. Nice and warm. He still wants to sleep. 

“Good job.” He says. 

Patton doesn’t know how to respond. He didn’t do anything, not really, he just let his dad help him sit up. That’s nothing. That’s just wasting Logan’s time because Patton isn’t sick. He’s just lazy.

Logan lets Patton sit there, gazing at his bookcase for an amount of time Patton doesn’t know until he says, “Ready to stand up?” 

He doesn’t want to. His bed may be icky, but it’s solitary. This room is the place he can stop smiling, no one watches him here. No one expects anything. All his sadness is in his room. He doesn’t want it to live in other places. His door still feels like an island at the corner of a vision, and Patton is in the ocean, trying to fight against a current. He doesn’t have the energy.

But when his dad gently tugs him by the arms, Patton lets him. His toes hit the carpet. It’s soft. An arm wraps around his shoulder and pulls him to his dad’s side. His legs are shaky but Logan holds him up. Patton wonders when he is going to get sick of doing this, but for now, he soaks in the contact. 

Logan gently nudges him forward, and would you look at that, his legs can work. Somehow, he is beginning to swim across the ocean. 

But before he can leave his eyes catch the mirror. His breath catches when he looks at it. 

There are bags under his eyes. His pajamas hang off him and his eyes look dead. His hair is a brown, greasy mess and he can see himself more clearly with his glasses on. He’s wearing the same t-shirt he was for the past 3 days and the Red flannel pants Roman got him for Christmas. No wonder his dad took one look at him and made him stay home. He looks like a wreck. He’s gross and icky. Has he always looked like this? Patton doesn’t know, has his acting been transparent the entire time? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything. He’s so stupid, he hates this he hates looking like this, he hates feeling like this, he wants to go away so badly. 

Logan notices that he stops walking and started looking in the mirror, he cards a hand through Payton’s hair, and he can’t help but lean into it. 

“You aren’t disgusting Patton,” Logan says as if to read his mind. Patton doesn’t believe him. He doesn’t want to look in the mirror anymore. He doesn’t have the energy to pull himself away. 

He stares down at his feet and wonders what broken people look like. Is the boy in the mirror broken? 

Something tugs at Patton’s shoulder again. Right. His dad is still there. Patton follows him, one step after the other. He should clean his room, but that will not be happening today. His dad opens the door for him and Patton walks out into the rest of the house. 

“You ready for the stairs?” Logan asks. Things feel a little more manageable when Logan breaks it down for him. 

Patton looks down. There are about 23 steps. As a kid, he loved to count them. 

“You’re doing so good starlight,” His dad says, and Patton is not going to cry over something as tiny as his father’s kindness.

He doesn’t cry. He wonders if he still can. He hesitantly drops his foot onto the first step. He does it again. And again, and again, and really, this isn’t so hard? 

Patton’s in the dining room now. He sits in one of the wooden chairs and Logan sits across from him. There are pepper shakers on the table and outdated newspapers. Logan starts talking about something unimportant, just to fill the air. Patton appreciates it. His dad’s voice makes things a little less hazy. Patton knows he should at least try and pay attention, but the ceiling is very interesting. 

“Honey I’m home,” Roman calls. 

His entire life, that’s always been how Roman comes home from work. His dad groans every time, but Patton knows he secretly enjoys it. 

He shrugged off his red jacket, putting it up on the coat hanger by the door with Patton’s old art glued to it

He’s holding a small pizza box in one hand and his keys in the other. He walks over to where Patton and Logan are sitting at the dining table and slides into the seat right across from Logan. 

“Hey, Pat.” Roman says, “Bad day.” 

Patton shrugs, “Not really. How was your day?” 

His dad says it was fine, but Patton still doesn’t want Roman to see him like this. He doesn’t want to pull more people into this, he doesn’t want both of his dad’s worrying about him. They have bigger problems than Patton’s funks. If he could have just gotten up in the morning they wouldn’t have to do that.

His dads share a look. It’s highly annoying that when they have conversations without saying anything but that probably comes with being together for over 18 years. He wonders what they’re thinking about. 

“Yeah, I had a good day, thanks for asking,” Roman says.

Things get more floaty. Someone puts a plate in front of him, where did that come from? 

“Is this Pizza from Tony’s?” Patton asks. 

Roman takes a bite of his slice and nods. 

“Isn’t that 15 minutes out of the way from your ride home?” 

Now Roman’s eyes look sad. Great. Patton just couldn’t stop hurting people. 

“It was no problem. I was starving after rehearsal and they have the best pizza by far. The cheese is to die for. It is essential” 

It’s good Pizza, he’s not wrong. They always take him to Tony’s when good things happen. When he got adopted, when he won an art contest. The booth was bouncy and the waiters knew his name. The pizza shop had warm lights and bright colors. Tony’s was his happy place, he went there when he felt on top of the world. Sitting at the dining table with a slice in front of him and his dads’ poorly concealed concern, Patton didn’t feel like he was on the top of the world. He just felt tired.

Logan and Roman start talking about one thing or another, as Patton tries to eat some of his Pizza. It’s good, really good, and unlike most foods, it doesn’t immediately turn to ash in his mouth. He manages to get through ¾’s of a slice before he can’t anymore. 

“Logan, I’ll admit, Hamilton is a great show but it is not the best musical of all time.” 

“Roman name me one other show that gets high schoolers to do their history homework.” 

“Theater isn’t about high school!” 

By the way, the two of them were smiling, Patton knew this wasn’t a real fight, just something to lighten the mood. Didn’t they have anything better to do than sit with Patton because he was too lazy to go to school?” 

“You finished?” Logan asks, and Patton nods. He blinks and his plate is gone. 

“Wanna go sit on the couch and watch Disney movies? We can have a toy story marathon,” 

_ Please,  _ Patton thought, but he shook his head. 

That would take so much time. Logan had already spent hours sitting with him, helping him do the bare minimum. Roman had gone out of his way to get his favorite food. And now they wanted to waste it on watching movies with him. .All because Patton couldn’t get out of bed(or do anything at all). 

“It’s fine.” He says, “You don’t need it.” 

Apparently, the haze has come back, because suddenly, Roman is standing in front of him, when did he get there? Patton isn’t sure if he deserves to be looked at the way Roman does. His Papa looks at him like Patton hung the Stars in the sky. Patton knows Roman loves him because Roman likes to say it a lot. But he’s never understood what that means. 

“Can I hug you?” 

He can feel himself start to shake. He wants it so badly but he’s tired and scared, and he doesn’t want to bother him. But Roman’s hugs are the best thing in the world, Patton knows that’s a fact. He nods, despite shaking like a leaf.

Roman pulls him out of the wooden chair straight into his warm strong arms. He’s so warm, the kind of warm that makes you wonder if the cold even existed in the first place. One of his hands comes to rub his back. Roman is everywhere. Patton buries his head into his shirt, fully content to stay here so no more of the icky emotions could spill out. 

“I got you.” Roman whispers, “Depression is a fearsome beast” 

_ Depression is a fearsome beast. _

“But I...I don’t have depression.” A warm hand comes up and runs through his hair. 

“While neither Roman nor I am psychologists, I have been a high school teacher for over ten years, and…,” Logan trails off as if waiting for something. Roman nods, “Roman has a history of depression. You seem to believe that this is your fault, that you are lazy when that is not the case. It is highly likely that your brain has a chemical imbalance. That is out of your control” 

Patton froze. And then he felt the tears finally start to come because maybe, just maybe this wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t going crazy, and he could feel the dam breaking

“I’m so tired, and I can’t do anything or get out of bed and school is so hard now. Sometimes I don’t feel anything, and it’s terrifying, and then two hours later it’s too much feeling. I’m gross and weird and tired and I can’t even smile anymore. I feel like I’m dead weight.”

“You’re not deadweight,” Logan said, “You’re our son and whatever your dealing with is valid and real.” 

Patton nods and brushes his hand against his face to clear his tears. He’s spent weeks agonizing over this, and it’s relieving and terrifying to hear it be given a name. Depression sounds better than broken or burden. And his dads aren’t reeling in disgust because of it. Roman is just holding him closer. Roman smells nice. 

“Wanna go watch some Toy Story?” Roman asks, and Patton can feel him speak. 

“Yeah,” 

“Awesome,” Roman says, “I’m gonna go make some popcorn ok?” 

Roman pulls away, and Patton stops himself from just clinging onto him, getting one taste of warmth makes him hungry for more. The cold doesn’t last long though because as Roman walks over to the microwave, Logan’s arm wraps around his shoulder. 

His dad leads him to the couch, sit them down, and he doesn’t stop touching Patton. It’s nice. Constant, and overwhelming in the best way possible. Warmth overpowers the haze. Patton feels his dad’s chest rise and fall. 

Soon Roman comes back holding a bowl of freshly popped in hand, and he sits down close to Patton. Roman gives him another warm smile and clicks on the TV. The sound comes on and the Pixar Logo lights up the screen. 

Listening to his favorite movie, with his dad’s arm wrapped around him and his Papa pointing out movie loopholes, Patton feels clarity. Maybe he won’t be okay today or tomorrow. Maybe it will take years. One day there will be no more haze. That’s a fact. Facts are clear and solid. They do not let the haze corrupt them. Patton's learning to realize facts. His dads love him unconditionally. Fact. 

Facts are nice, Patton thinks. So is the way Logan's arms and Roman's commentary make him sleepy. Stars are nice too. As he falls asleep, Patton thinks of sunny days. 

**Author's Note:**

> ahhh im kinda nervous about this one. it's kinda venty and the end is a bit iffy. I'm worried the characters are OOC, but I also really like some of this, so I thought I'd let this scream out into the void
> 
> comments rock my world!!!
> 
> tumblr @thefingergunsgirl


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